The Mommy Wars – Why Are We Divided?

In America, we love to categorize. Whether it’s activities, hobbies, neighborhoods, or people, we are always grouping things. Maybe it’s because we are taught patterns and grouping in school at a young age? Or because it’s easier to put things together within similar parameters.

It doesn’t really matter why we do it though. The fact of the matter is that we do. And it’s not always healthy or beneficial.

The Good, The Bad, The Grouping

Sure, putting all my fruits together in the fridge is good. And keeping the dirty laundry separate from the clean is quite helpful. There are many instances in day-to-day life where grouping similar items together helps. Whether it’s toys, clothes, food, or even kids, it doesn’t matter. Some groups are just plain good.

Other times though, it’s not. Other times it can be detrimental. Take kids sports for example. Often it’s the kids who are good in younger grades that get grouped in the good group and the rest are bumped to second string. These kids may never really get the opportunity to find out if they are good or not. Or education. If you child is labeled as delayed in a younger grade it can be hard to drop that label later on in life.

And then, of course, there are parents grouping themselves together. Soccer moms, PTA moms, slacker moms – it doesn’t matter. We group ourselves into these categories of moms and stay there defending why we are the better mom. Why our choices are superior to yours and tell everyone how detrimental their choice is.

My question is – why? Why do we do such a thing? And worse, why do we sit on our side of the Mommy War, and pretend like we are the superior type of mom?

The worst, in my opinion, in the Mommy Wars is by far the working mom and the stay-at-home mom.

The Working Mom

To me this statement has always been kind of an oxymoron – I mean, don’t all moms work? Now before you stop reading, hear me out.

I’ve been there. I’ve punched a time clock for everything from fast-food restaurants and truck stops to customer service and banking. I’ve worked nights, weekends, and the 9-5 grind. Sure some jobs were easier or paid better. Some jobs were more enjoyable than others, but they all served the same purpose – they helped provide financially for my family.

Most of these jobs were supplemental income, but there has even been a time where I was the only one bringing in a paycheck.

But all the while, I was still a mom. The fact that I was working neither added nor took away from my being a mommy. It took away from my time at home, and my time with my kids (which is why I worked a lot of evening and night hours). But it never took away from my title as Mom though.

Neither did it add to it. It simply added a new title to my life and a new obligation. When I was working outside of the home I now had set hours dedicated to my employer, and fewer hours to spend at home dealing with the house, the kids, and home life.

Staying Home

I am currently in a position where I am able to stay home. And for that, I am grateful. I know the burden that is placed on the sole income provider for the family. I am not home because I can’t work or because I don’t want to. The decision to stay home was not made because I would rather watch TV and stay in pajamas all day. Rather it was after careful consideration after our youngest was born.

Staying home though doesn’t mean my days are full of free time, lunches with friends, and mid-afternoon naps. And I think it’s safe to say that for the majority of stay-at-home parents their days are not all calm and carefree either.

Yes, there are times I curl up with a book in the afternoon, or a friend may stop by for a visit – but that is the exception to the rule. My days rather are filled with kids, housework, homeschool, volunteer obligations, and now work. Starting a blog technically transitioned me into the work-at-home category, but as I said, I don’t think Mommy’s need more grouping.

Raising kids is hard work. The days can be long, the subjects not always cooperative. There’s daily to-do’s of naps and diapers for the littles; exploration, sports, activities and school for older ones; and the joys of hormones for the oldest group. There’s an entire workforce dedicated to childcare and if you have ever had to pay, you know it’s pricey! Sometimes staying home with kids can be the more cost-effective option for a family.

The Mommy Wars

Can we all just agree that it’s hard? Being a mom is hard. Whether you are home all day or clocking in elsewhere you are still a mom. Whether you have one child or 10, you are still responsible for another person.

Being a mom is hard enough, without the world telling us we are not doing enough if we stay home. Or that we do too much and miss out on too much if we work. Any Mom who works outside the home knows the challenge of balancing work and kids. Knows they will miss events with their kids because of their job. She already knows she may have to go to work when her child is sick, when her child is going through something difficult, or when she would rather be watching a school performance.

Every Mom who stays home knows she could be working and bringing in an income. She already knows her family could be more financially secure if she worked, that they may have more extras if she somehow managed to bring in a paycheck. Some Moms are able to bring in a side income while still staying home, others are not. And for reasons that are no one else’s business, she is staying home. Whether she has a degree collecting dust on a shelf somewhere or not is irrelevant.

I am not sure when the Mommy Wars began, but I would love to see them come to an end. I would love for Moms to be happy with who they are, confident in their position in their family, and proud of the role they take on. Rather than hesitant to say if they stay home or work outside of it.

Can We Just Support One Another?

We don’t know why some Moms work outside the home and others do not – and to me – it doesn’t matter. Each family should still have the right to determine what is best for them. Each family should be able to run their homes in the best way they see fit. It’s not up to me or you or some focus group to tell me or you what is best.

This is not a place to debate state aid, food stamps, or entitlement – let’s leave that to our lawmakers and contact them if we feel a change is needed. This is a place to look at what is best for the families, and to stop pitting Moms against Moms. It’s not the time to debate women’s rights or gender roles. Rather, it’s time we embrace the fact that we have the right to choose, be grateful for that right, and support Moms in whatever role they chose to play.

The Mommy Wars are bad for all of us. Rather than supporting one another, we compete, and it’s unhealthy. It’s detrimental to us and our families. Having been on both sides of this I have this unique perspective from both sides – and I can assure you that no one side is easier. My days are not calmer because I am at home. My home no cleaner than it was when I was holding down a job.

“What Do You Do?”

I will tell you that I loathe this question. When the answer was banking or finance there were follow-up questions. When I answer that I stay home I’m often met with blank stares. Answer that with, “I homeschool” and well, the responses are off the charts. Typically it’s somewhere along the “well, I could never do that” lines.

But I am more than what I do. Yes, I am a homeschooler. Yes, I am a mom who chooses to stay home with her kids. I am also a wife, a church member, a youth group leader, and treasurer for two organizations. I am a blogger, a reader, and a want-to-be gardener with a less than green thumb.

Our jobs do not define us, yet we somehow let them. And this I think is a large part of the Mommy Wars. We have decided that what we do for a job is who we are, rather than just a part. My kids are falling right in line with that. Ask them what they want to be when they grow up and they give you a job title. Currently, we have an aspiring engineer, obstetrician, and police officer, but who knows?

I hope my kids though, know they are more than the job they hold. They are more than what they do during the day. Who they are is a mix of titles, positions, activities, and interests.

I know one post on the internet is not going to end the Mommy Wars. There is always something we are competing about. Whether it’s working Moms versus stay-at-home Moms, cloth diapers versus disposable, or all organic fruits and veggies versus Frito Lay. Part of me thinks we are destined to compete.

What we don’t need to do is put down those who choose to do the opposite of us. Make them feel somehow less because their choice is different than ours. At the end of the day, it’s having a child that makes you a Mom and not a job that you may or may not do outside of the home.

Have something to add to my thoughts on the Mommy Wars? Comment below!